29 December 2010
04 December 2010
01 December 2010
ENGLAND 2018 - COME ON NERDS! RISE UP, KILL YOUR MUM!
COME ON NERDS!
RISE UP,
KILL YOUR MUM!
COME ON NERDS!
RISE UP,
KILL YOUR MUM!
COME ON NERDS!
RISE UP,
KILL YOUR MUM!
29 November 2010
Extraordinary lives Part 9 - Shell Kid
Extraordinary Lives part 9: Shell Kid
Welcome back to extraordinary lives. This week we’ll be discussing the future, and the past, of one of our newest residents, Master Randy Wallow or as his mates call him ‘shell kid’. Randy was, until recently, a first class kid. All his friends at his mainstream school really looked up to him for advice, and praised him for his bravery against bullies. Randy, born in 1997, now 13 was on a school trip when he stood up for a ‘nerd’ because his glasses were too thick. The then bully, now young dad, Bootleg Bill swung for the ‘nerd’ who fell back against the rock pools squealing. Randy stepped in to defend the ‘nerd’ and pushed bootleg bill into an anemone. Bootleg Bill rose, now covered in the squalor of the sea, bum rushed Randy into pile of dead bivalves and abandoned shells. As Randy landed he was struck by lightning welding all the shells to his body. Randy ran away screaming. He ran to the teacher who could not believe her eyes and fainted. He then ran to the man in the newsagents who chucked drumsticks at him until he left. After that he ran into a ticket booth where the lady gave him tickets for anything as long as he departed. Lastly he ran into a care worker at the Royal Institute for weirdoes who whisked him up into her arms and brought him into the institute. Once there Randy felt so at home at that moment he questioned whether he had really lived anywhere else or that only hours ago he had been anyone else. His mum came to see him but he did not recognize her and she was so hideously revolted by his irregular body shape and salty smell that she gave in papers for his adoption by the Royal Institute for Weirdoes. Once there Randy was, like all the other weirdoes, subjected to rigorous scientific testing and analysis. The scientists confirmed that with time he could make a full recovery as long as the shells became detached with time. The scientists however did not have any idea of how and when the shells would hopefully fall off. They tried physically removing them with tools and brute strength, but they did not give way. They then tried to dissolve them in strong acid but Randy cried too much because the acid also corroded his skin. They hired top class psychologists to try to persuade the shells to detach themselves but again the shells were stubborn, and also dead so they couldn’t hear the psychologists anyway. Lastly they settled on sanding the shells down to their base so Randy could perform many of the daily tasks he was used to. Randy got on well with the other kids and because his condition was not nearly as severe as many of the others he was the envy of many of the other patients. In a recent interview he told me that he feels he is ready to go back into mainstream school. His parents however feel differently. “We fear for the social safety of Randy because we know how insensitive kids can be. Especially because he will be 2 school years below his age group.” The scientists agree that Randy would be able to cope mentally in a mainstream school but they still think that he needs more physical treatment before he can be ushered into the local comprehensive school. “There are many more treatments that may well have a positive affect on Randy’s life and we need to keep a close eye on him while he undergoes research,” Say the scientists. Randy has said he would be happy to wait a little longer before going back to mainstream school and he said he wouldn’t want to leave his ‘bonkers’ mates just yet. Thanks folks be sure to check out the next issue on the Royal Institute for Weirdoes.
Welcome back to extraordinary lives. This week we’ll be discussing the future, and the past, of one of our newest residents, Master Randy Wallow or as his mates call him ‘shell kid’. Randy was, until recently, a first class kid. All his friends at his mainstream school really looked up to him for advice, and praised him for his bravery against bullies. Randy, born in 1997, now 13 was on a school trip when he stood up for a ‘nerd’ because his glasses were too thick. The then bully, now young dad, Bootleg Bill swung for the ‘nerd’ who fell back against the rock pools squealing. Randy stepped in to defend the ‘nerd’ and pushed bootleg bill into an anemone. Bootleg Bill rose, now covered in the squalor of the sea, bum rushed Randy into pile of dead bivalves and abandoned shells. As Randy landed he was struck by lightning welding all the shells to his body. Randy ran away screaming. He ran to the teacher who could not believe her eyes and fainted. He then ran to the man in the newsagents who chucked drumsticks at him until he left. After that he ran into a ticket booth where the lady gave him tickets for anything as long as he departed. Lastly he ran into a care worker at the Royal Institute for weirdoes who whisked him up into her arms and brought him into the institute. Once there Randy felt so at home at that moment he questioned whether he had really lived anywhere else or that only hours ago he had been anyone else. His mum came to see him but he did not recognize her and she was so hideously revolted by his irregular body shape and salty smell that she gave in papers for his adoption by the Royal Institute for Weirdoes. Once there Randy was, like all the other weirdoes, subjected to rigorous scientific testing and analysis. The scientists confirmed that with time he could make a full recovery as long as the shells became detached with time. The scientists however did not have any idea of how and when the shells would hopefully fall off. They tried physically removing them with tools and brute strength, but they did not give way. They then tried to dissolve them in strong acid but Randy cried too much because the acid also corroded his skin. They hired top class psychologists to try to persuade the shells to detach themselves but again the shells were stubborn, and also dead so they couldn’t hear the psychologists anyway. Lastly they settled on sanding the shells down to their base so Randy could perform many of the daily tasks he was used to. Randy got on well with the other kids and because his condition was not nearly as severe as many of the others he was the envy of many of the other patients. In a recent interview he told me that he feels he is ready to go back into mainstream school. His parents however feel differently. “We fear for the social safety of Randy because we know how insensitive kids can be. Especially because he will be 2 school years below his age group.” The scientists agree that Randy would be able to cope mentally in a mainstream school but they still think that he needs more physical treatment before he can be ushered into the local comprehensive school. “There are many more treatments that may well have a positive affect on Randy’s life and we need to keep a close eye on him while he undergoes research,” Say the scientists. Randy has said he would be happy to wait a little longer before going back to mainstream school and he said he wouldn’t want to leave his ‘bonkers’ mates just yet. Thanks folks be sure to check out the next issue on the Royal Institute for Weirdoes.
28 November 2010
If however you missed it the exhibition is running from Thu 2nd - Sun 5th & Thu 9th - Sun 12th December 11:00 - 5:00 FREE ENRTY
factorybtn.tumblr.com
04 November 2010
03 November 2010
FACTORY presents DIASTR
Sat 27 Nov 20108:30pm - 1:30am
Disaster: an event or accident that causes great distress or destruction. A Disaster is also a complete failure.
Diastr: an accidental event that explores creativity on the brink of great distress, impending failure and possible destruction.
Phoenix Brighton’s quarterly Factory event brings yet another eclectic experience, this time in the form of unfolding fun, games, music and uncertainty!
Diastr is both an exhibition and a game created by Tim Cole and Theo Lamarche with a giant interactive home-made rotating board with optional paths and destinations. Along the way players are subjected to world changing disastrous events, triggering live sound effects and apocalyptic encounters.
Every person entering Diastr will have the opportunity to be involved, having their hand stamped with one of four colours representing the four teams playing the game. A live performance of Diastr will evolve throughout the night, featuring 4 players and a games master; each team can have a player for the entire session but team mates can swap and change throughout the evening as the going gets tough and the game unfolds… who knows what will happen!
The excitement will be filmed and a live stream will be projected into the gallery as a backdrop to a hotbed of both experimental and conventional music and performances, which in turn will be projected into the games room. The walls of the Gallery will feature images and sculptures produced by artists in response to the theme of disaster.
Economic gloom, ecological catastrophe … Diastr is the last Phoenix event of the year and of the decade … Game on!
Tickets: £4/3
We are doing some stuff for this.
We are doing some stuff for this.
http://www.phoenixarts.org/events/190-factory-diastr.html
25 October 2010
Extraordinary lives Part 8 - Toadthroat
Extraordinary lives part 8: Toadthroat
Welcome back to extraordinary lives. This week we’ll be reporting on a young Nigerian lad called Toadthroat. Toadthroat was discovered in the year two thousand on a small island of the coast of Nigeria living among a vast colony of African bullfrogs. Perhaps the most amazing thing about Toadthroat is he has developed the famous croak of the bullfrog and even more amazing is the fact that his throat skin has loosened up to allow him to produce the distinctive croak. When not croaking Toadthroat looks exactly like another boy but as soon as he croaks, his gular skin inflates into a big bulge allowing for the low vocal croak of the African bullfrog. Niko, as he is known in Nigeria has lived on the bullfrog island since he was a baby. He speaks to the bullfrogs and is clearly considered ‘one of them’ by the amphibian community. Niko has developed other bullfrog mannerisms like crawling around in the ponds and shitting anywhere he wants. Once a year when the rains start Niko and his fellow bullfrogs emerge from their dainty burrows and mate with each other. Many of the females are very attracted to Niko and they often form a queue to have him fertilise (or try). The other males have a problem with this but they can’t stand up to Niko because of his size. After Niko has had his way with the females (basically he stretches them out and tries to forces his semen into their ‘vaginal hole’) the other males fight each other. The males fertilise the females and pretend to Niko when they are born that they are his offspring. This keeps Niko happy and the other males are happy that they have passed on their genes. Sometimes Niko gets really angry, which as suspected by social scientists is because of the lack of his ‘own kind’. The Nigerian government have tried on multiple occasions to extract Niko from his bullfrog colony. He has been successfully extracted and tested upon by various biological science bodies but every time he is placed back into his family of amphibious specie. The UN have publicized a report on the advantages and disadvantages of Niko being moved to the Royal Institute for weirdoes but the Nigerian government have been holding him in his colony of African bullfrogs because they make a fair amount of income from tourists coming to observe him in his natural environment. There is still an ongoing debate between the UN and the Nigerian government but we at the Royal Institute For Weirdoes hope to have Niko join us in our lovely environment as soon as possible. Thanks folks see you next week.
Welcome back to extraordinary lives. This week we’ll be reporting on a young Nigerian lad called Toadthroat. Toadthroat was discovered in the year two thousand on a small island of the coast of Nigeria living among a vast colony of African bullfrogs. Perhaps the most amazing thing about Toadthroat is he has developed the famous croak of the bullfrog and even more amazing is the fact that his throat skin has loosened up to allow him to produce the distinctive croak. When not croaking Toadthroat looks exactly like another boy but as soon as he croaks, his gular skin inflates into a big bulge allowing for the low vocal croak of the African bullfrog. Niko, as he is known in Nigeria has lived on the bullfrog island since he was a baby. He speaks to the bullfrogs and is clearly considered ‘one of them’ by the amphibian community. Niko has developed other bullfrog mannerisms like crawling around in the ponds and shitting anywhere he wants. Once a year when the rains start Niko and his fellow bullfrogs emerge from their dainty burrows and mate with each other. Many of the females are very attracted to Niko and they often form a queue to have him fertilise (or try). The other males have a problem with this but they can’t stand up to Niko because of his size. After Niko has had his way with the females (basically he stretches them out and tries to forces his semen into their ‘vaginal hole’) the other males fight each other. The males fertilise the females and pretend to Niko when they are born that they are his offspring. This keeps Niko happy and the other males are happy that they have passed on their genes. Sometimes Niko gets really angry, which as suspected by social scientists is because of the lack of his ‘own kind’. The Nigerian government have tried on multiple occasions to extract Niko from his bullfrog colony. He has been successfully extracted and tested upon by various biological science bodies but every time he is placed back into his family of amphibious specie. The UN have publicized a report on the advantages and disadvantages of Niko being moved to the Royal Institute for weirdoes but the Nigerian government have been holding him in his colony of African bullfrogs because they make a fair amount of income from tourists coming to observe him in his natural environment. There is still an ongoing debate between the UN and the Nigerian government but we at the Royal Institute For Weirdoes hope to have Niko join us in our lovely environment as soon as possible. Thanks folks see you next week.
22 October 2010
Extraordinary lives Part 7 - The Highly non-viscous man
Extraordinary Lives part 7: The highly non-viscous man
The Highly non-Viscous Man is a very, very exciting natural phenomenon. One day when walking down to the local haddock market Stanley Garbage tripped over a lost tadpole and once floorbound he could no longer get up. Turning round to see why, he took one look and fainted. His torso and most of his limbs had gone highly non-viscous and were trickling all over the pavement. When he came to he plucked up his courage and slipped down the road to go see the doctor.
“I was born again” and “It’s very annoying” is what The Highly non-Viscous Man, as he is publicly known, told one source. “He has lots of trouble with getting up on to higher levels so we had a lift installed at his house to compensate” Says his sister. Stanley Garbage is now being treated at the Royal Institute For Weirdoes and has been seen wondering round with Zachariah "Crill" Scapegoatingson (half man half roast dinner) on various occaisions. Bobby Nobby the president for the Royal Institutes For Weirdoes said “Even with severe conditions these weirdoes still manage to make good friends and try to lead normal lives. It’s very promising”.
Stanley Garbage really likes mint choc chip ice cream and is always seen with one in his hands. He is also an active peace protester and is always first seen in the marches because he is really fast as you can expect. That’s it for now but expect to see a full documentary on Stanley Garbage in the near future.
The Highly non-Viscous Man is a very, very exciting natural phenomenon. One day when walking down to the local haddock market Stanley Garbage tripped over a lost tadpole and once floorbound he could no longer get up. Turning round to see why, he took one look and fainted. His torso and most of his limbs had gone highly non-viscous and were trickling all over the pavement. When he came to he plucked up his courage and slipped down the road to go see the doctor.
“I was born again” and “It’s very annoying” is what The Highly non-Viscous Man, as he is publicly known, told one source. “He has lots of trouble with getting up on to higher levels so we had a lift installed at his house to compensate” Says his sister. Stanley Garbage is now being treated at the Royal Institute For Weirdoes and has been seen wondering round with Zachariah "Crill" Scapegoatingson (half man half roast dinner) on various occaisions. Bobby Nobby the president for the Royal Institutes For Weirdoes said “Even with severe conditions these weirdoes still manage to make good friends and try to lead normal lives. It’s very promising”.
Stanley Garbage really likes mint choc chip ice cream and is always seen with one in his hands. He is also an active peace protester and is always first seen in the marches because he is really fast as you can expect. That’s it for now but expect to see a full documentary on Stanley Garbage in the near future.
20 October 2010
19 October 2010
#123 - "If mulled wine is so good then why don't people drink it all year?"
Thanks to Esther Robinson for this she is swell.
14 October 2010
12 October 2010
22 September 2010
Crows’ Court
Have you ever heard of Crows’ Court? No? Well, when a crow commits a crow crime, such as stealing eggs from a neighbouring nest, that crow is placed on trial in the Crow’s Court. The set-up of the Crow’s Court is as follows: the offending crow perches in the centre of a semi-circle of crows, the crow jury. One crow is elected as chief judge (it is not clear whether a wig is worn). Then there are four or more sentry crows, who sit in the surrounding trees looking out for humans, and possibly other types of animal. Depending on the verdict, the murder of crows (a group of crows is known as a murder: (http://www.heinemannlibrary.com/product/1403407428) either fly away in unison, or the crows on the ends of the semi-circle fly in and poke the bird to death, using their lethal beaks. If a crow is killed, the crows fly away from the court in a specific formation so other crows know not to eat the dead crow.
17 September 2010
13 September 2010
08 September 2010
04 September 2010
30 August 2010
24 August 2010
Art Attack: Secret Stuff
Was up in the attic the other day and found this absolute gem.
Haha, Neil you fucking donut.
I do worry about you Neil.
11 August 2010
06 August 2010
01 August 2010
Extraordinary lives Part 6 - Yogurt boy
Roger Ganet, 12 is one of the most extraordinary cases at the royal institute for weirdoes. At 10 Roger opened an angry pot of yogurt and from then on he has been forever changed. An angry yogurt is one of the many weird and essentially destructive scientific creations that man has created. Once opened the angry yogurt will attach itself onto the face of the governing individual and slowly take over the users body. A very painful and annoying process, but the most unusual thing about the angry yogurt is it lets its user carry on their daily life with only minor lifestyle changes. Perhaps the worst (as Roger Ganet would say) is the familiar smell of yogurt known to many of us. Roger Ganet said in an interview “If you smell like any form of dairy your bound to get bullied in some way.” There are other things about the condition that are a problem. As you walk around nodules of the creamy substance fall off onto the floor. This means that Roger Ganet and the four other people worldwide can’t attend mainstream school and they are forced to constantly clean up behind them. Other changes to Roger’s lifestyle include having to sleep in the bath, being unable to do fiddly tasks because of the creamy yogurt around his hands and always having wet clothes and being generally wet. ‘Sometimes I don’t even wear clothes. It’s not like anyone can see anything anyway.’ Said Roger in a recent interview with the daily gazette. One of the good things about it is always being cool and even in the sun it evaporates but is replaced by fresh cool yogurt very rapidly. Doctors are working on various treatments for Roger, one of which tries to evaporate the yogurt quicker than Roger can replenish it. This treatment is proving effective but Roger has to constantly be in a bubble and because of the heat used to evaporate the yogurt it gets very hot and stuffy inside and Roger is always ready for new treatments to replace the bubble. ‘It’s replaced one annoyance with another’ said Roger. With the introduction of new gene technology scientists are now close to unraveling the genetic code for Roger and they are now making progress on why the condition arises. That’s it on Roger and we wish him all the best in the future.
27 July 2010
02 June 2010
20 May 2010
25 April 2010
20 April 2010
05 April 2010
01 April 2010
23 March 2010
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