25 October 2010

Extraordinary lives Part 8 - Toadthroat

Extraordinary lives part 8: Toadthroat

Welcome back to extraordinary lives. This week we’ll be reporting on a young Nigerian lad called Toadthroat. Toadthroat was discovered in the year two thousand on a small island of the coast of Nigeria living among a vast colony of African bullfrogs. Perhaps the most amazing thing about Toadthroat is he has developed the famous croak of the bullfrog and even more amazing is the fact that his throat skin has loosened up to allow him to produce the distinctive croak. When not croaking Toadthroat looks exactly like another boy but as soon as he croaks, his gular skin inflates into a big bulge allowing for the low vocal croak of the African bullfrog. Niko, as he is known in Nigeria has lived on the bullfrog island since he was a baby. He speaks to the bullfrogs and is clearly considered ‘one of them’ by the amphibian community. Niko has developed other bullfrog mannerisms like crawling around in the ponds and shitting anywhere he wants. Once a year when the rains start Niko and his fellow bullfrogs emerge from their dainty burrows and mate with each other. Many of the females are very attracted to Niko and they often form a queue to have him fertilise (or try). The other males have a problem with this but they can’t stand up to Niko because of his size. After Niko has had his way with the females (basically he stretches them out and tries to forces his semen into their ‘vaginal hole’) the other males fight each other. The males fertilise the females and pretend to Niko when they are born that they are his offspring. This keeps Niko happy and the other males are happy that they have passed on their genes. Sometimes Niko gets really angry, which as suspected by social scientists is because of the lack of his ‘own kind’. The Nigerian government have tried on multiple occasions to extract Niko from his bullfrog colony. He has been successfully extracted and tested upon by various biological science bodies but every time he is placed back into his family of amphibious specie. The UN have publicized a report on the advantages and disadvantages of Niko being moved to the Royal Institute for weirdoes but the Nigerian government have been holding him in his colony of African bullfrogs because they make a fair amount of income from tourists coming to observe him in his natural environment. There is still an ongoing debate between the UN and the Nigerian government but we at the Royal Institute For Weirdoes hope to have Niko join us in our lovely environment as soon as possible. Thanks folks see you next week.

22 October 2010

Extraordinary lives Part 7 - The Highly non-viscous man

Extraordinary Lives part 7: The highly non-viscous man

The Highly non-Viscous Man is a very, very exciting natural phenomenon. One day when walking down to the local haddock market Stanley Garbage tripped over a lost tadpole and once floorbound he could no longer get up. Turning round to see why, he took one look and fainted. His torso and most of his limbs had gone highly non-viscous and were trickling all over the pavement. When he came to he plucked up his courage and slipped down the road to go see the doctor.

“I was born again” and “It’s very annoying” is what The Highly non-Viscous Man, as he is publicly known, told one source. “He has lots of trouble with getting up on to higher levels so we had a lift installed at his house to compensate” Says his sister. Stanley Garbage is now being treated at the Royal Institute For Weirdoes and has been seen wondering round with Zachariah "Crill" Scapegoatingson (half man half roast dinner) on various occaisions. Bobby Nobby the president for the Royal Institutes For Weirdoes said “Even with severe conditions these weirdoes still manage to make good friends and try to lead normal lives. It’s very promising”.

Stanley Garbage really likes mint choc chip ice cream and is always seen with one in his hands. He is also an active peace protester and is always first seen in the marches because he is really fast as you can expect. That’s it for now but expect to see a full documentary on Stanley Garbage in the near future.

20 October 2010

19 October 2010

#123 - "If mulled wine is so good then why don't people drink it all year?"

Thanks to Esther Robinson for this she is swell.

14 October 2010