25 February 2012

Extraordinary lives part 11 - Updates

Welcome back readers, I’d like to start this report by announcing some very special news. Niko ‘Toadthroat’ has just been granted permission by the Nigerian government to come and visit England. The main purpose being the chance to have a look around the Royal Institute for Weirdoes. Last week we finally got the attention of the United Nations Human Rights Department to bid for a move to the Royal Institute for Niko. The way that The Nigerian government were treating him goes against Human Rights Acts and so the UN stepped in. Niko is due to be arriving on Wednesday and hopefully he will like what he sees. We have also flown over his entire African Bullfrog community to try and let him settle in. the best result would be for Niko to barely notice a change between his old home and the Royal Institue. We excitedly await his arrival and will keep you posted.

There is infact some sad news this week folks. Mr Mould who we thought was settling in extremely well with the help of yoghurt boy, has taken a turn for the worse. It all started when yoghurt boy challenged Mr Mould to a race round the institute in their bubbles. Mr Mould being extremely competitive accepted and what can next was an intense battle of not just speed but wits as the couple had to dodge obstacles, flying ice cream and shells (courtesy of stanley garbage and randy wallow) and nurses, as they performed their daily tasks. Mr Mould was just ahead until the last stretch when one of stanley’s ice creams came flying out of nowhere and splattered over Mr Moulds bubble obscuring his vision. He then took a wrong turn leading into the girls bathroom and crashed against the sinks. Yoghurt boy then easily took the lead and won the race. Mr Mould being the competitive git he is is blaming everyone but himself for the loss and has fallen out with all of the other wierdoes. The nurses say he just sits in his room looking at the toilet and muttering about ice cream. Hopefully he’ll get over it. He is 40.

Randy Wallow ‘shell kid’ is leaving the institute in search for a better social life. Even though he said he loves it here, he just wants some friends that will do daring stuff like beer bongs and want to go out on the pull. Word on the street is there’s an emerging fetish in shells and Randy secretly wants to exploit it. He’s already received some fan mail asking him out on dinner dates. Sadly the owners of this fetish are all old women. Randy doesn’t know this. He is 14.

Roger Ganet ‘Yoghurt Boy’ has taken up profressional stalking. This act was conceived during world war 2 as a means of tracking nazis around hard terrain. Roger came across it in his history book and has since been seen stalking the other residents. I asked roger who was the easiest person to stalk and he said ‘either the wierdest boy in plymouth or Mr Mould. They just stay in their rooms so I don’t have to do much’. I’ve seen Roger practicing his stalking ability around the institute but he’s pretty obvious as he has to do in his bubble. He should probably find another hobby.

Donald Banoffi has finally, after many weights, built up enough muscle to move the dog in monopoly. He said he’s really excited about his upcoming game against his nan. ‘Gonna be really fun I’m really excited, I can’t wait to finally get my hands on mayfair. Wonder how many times I’ll pass go’.

Herman the necrophilliac was found guilty of necrophillia and is to sent to prison to live the rest of his life behind bars. We at the Royal Institute are hoping he can plead insanity and stay here. Sadly it was the judges wife he humped so things aren’t looking up.

Another piece of bad new, Zachariah ‘Crill’ Scapegoatingson has broken his back/table. He was happliy walking around the playground when an intern, tired from all the hard work, thought he was a stool and decided to have a rest on him. Zachariah screemed but all was too late as the interns’ legs gave way and she collapsed on top of him. Zachariah has been in intensive care for three days and finally things are looking up as doctors have successfully patched him up with the help of master carpenter dave from croydon. Apparently all it needed was some good nails and a hammer.

Stanley Garbage ‘the highly non-viscous man’ has taken his swiftness to a new level and has moved swiftly on from peaceful protests to full blown marathons. He is currently applying for the 2012 London Paralympics but has so far been denied because he is seen to have an unfair advantage. He is hoping to appeal but as he is faster than the fastest runners in the world it is not looking good.

The weirdest boy in plymouth has still made no friends. He is generally considered the wierdest resident and is left alone. He lives under the institute in a cave and eats cooking apples and back bacon.

Some good news for Terry and Nosferatu Smith ‘the couple with see-through bellies’. After 30 years of marriage things were starting to get routine for the couple. Even the most extraordinary lives can be reduced to ash after many years of company with the same spouse. Things are however looking up as the couple have decided to renew their vows. The decision came after their relationship counciler suggested it might spark things up a bit. Two tickets to the ceremony in march are going out to the lucky winners of this weeks crazy bingo for weirdoes and wacky heads. Everyone from the
Royal Institute will be there to share the couples’ praise and joy. Winners will be announced next week. Good Luck.