Welcome back readers, I’d like to start this report by announcing some very special news. Niko ‘Toadthroat’ has just been granted permission by the Nigerian government to come and visit England. The main purpose being the chance to have a look around the Royal Institute for Weirdoes. Last week we finally got the attention of the United Nations Human Rights Department to bid for a move to the Royal Institute for Niko. The way that The Nigerian government were treating him goes against Human Rights Acts and so the UN stepped in. Niko is due to be arriving on Wednesday and hopefully he will like what he sees. We have also flown over his entire African Bullfrog community to try and let him settle in. the best result would be for Niko to barely notice a change between his old home and the Royal Institue. We excitedly await his arrival and will keep you posted.
There is infact some sad news this week folks. Mr Mould who we thought was settling in extremely well with the help of yoghurt boy, has taken a turn for the worse. It all started when yoghurt boy challenged Mr Mould to a race round the institute in their bubbles. Mr Mould being extremely competitive accepted and what can next was an intense battle of not just speed but wits as the couple had to dodge obstacles, flying ice cream and shells (courtesy of stanley garbage and randy wallow) and nurses, as they performed their daily tasks. Mr Mould was just ahead until the last stretch when one of stanley’s ice creams came flying out of nowhere and splattered over Mr Moulds bubble obscuring his vision. He then took a wrong turn leading into the girls bathroom and crashed against the sinks. Yoghurt boy then easily took the lead and won the race. Mr Mould being the competitive git he is is blaming everyone but himself for the loss and has fallen out with all of the other wierdoes. The nurses say he just sits in his room looking at the toilet and muttering about ice cream. Hopefully he’ll get over it. He is 40.
Randy Wallow ‘shell kid’ is leaving the institute in search for a better social life. Even though he said he loves it here, he just wants some friends that will do daring stuff like beer bongs and want to go out on the pull. Word on the street is there’s an emerging fetish in shells and Randy secretly wants to exploit it. He’s already received some fan mail asking him out on dinner dates. Sadly the owners of this fetish are all old women. Randy doesn’t know this. He is 14.
Roger Ganet ‘Yoghurt Boy’ has taken up profressional stalking. This act was conceived during world war 2 as a means of tracking nazis around hard terrain. Roger came across it in his history book and has since been seen stalking the other residents. I asked roger who was the easiest person to stalk and he said ‘either the wierdest boy in plymouth or Mr Mould. They just stay in their rooms so I don’t have to do much’. I’ve seen Roger practicing his stalking ability around the institute but he’s pretty obvious as he has to do in his bubble. He should probably find another hobby.
Donald Banoffi has finally, after many weights, built up enough muscle to move the dog in monopoly. He said he’s really excited about his upcoming game against his nan. ‘Gonna be really fun I’m really excited, I can’t wait to finally get my hands on mayfair. Wonder how many times I’ll pass go’.
Herman the necrophilliac was found guilty of necrophillia and is to sent to prison to live the rest of his life behind bars. We at the Royal Institute are hoping he can plead insanity and stay here. Sadly it was the judges wife he humped so things aren’t looking up.
Another piece of bad new, Zachariah ‘Crill’ Scapegoatingson has broken his back/table. He was happliy walking around the playground when an intern, tired from all the hard work, thought he was a stool and decided to have a rest on him. Zachariah screemed but all was too late as the interns’ legs gave way and she collapsed on top of him. Zachariah has been in intensive care for three days and finally things are looking up as doctors have successfully patched him up with the help of master carpenter dave from croydon. Apparently all it needed was some good nails and a hammer.
Stanley Garbage ‘the highly non-viscous man’ has taken his swiftness to a new level and has moved swiftly on from peaceful protests to full blown marathons. He is currently applying for the 2012 London Paralympics but has so far been denied because he is seen to have an unfair advantage. He is hoping to appeal but as he is faster than the fastest runners in the world it is not looking good.
The weirdest boy in plymouth has still made no friends. He is generally considered the wierdest resident and is left alone. He lives under the institute in a cave and eats cooking apples and back bacon.
Some good news for Terry and Nosferatu Smith ‘the couple with see-through bellies’. After 30 years of marriage things were starting to get routine for the couple. Even the most extraordinary lives can be reduced to ash after many years of company with the same spouse. Things are however looking up as the couple have decided to renew their vows. The decision came after their relationship counciler suggested it might spark things up a bit. Two tickets to the ceremony in march are going out to the lucky winners of this weeks crazy bingo for weirdoes and wacky heads. Everyone from the
Royal Institute will be there to share the couples’ praise and joy. Winners will be announced next week. Good Luck.
Showing posts with label Extraordinary Lives. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Extraordinary Lives. Show all posts
25 February 2012
18 December 2011
Extraordinary lives part 10 - Mr Mould
Mr Mould is one of the more dull cases at the Royal Institute for Weirdoes. He does not have any outstanding features that would make for an interesting report. In fact he is just mould, not even an exotic type found in the jungles of Borneo. The same boring old type that grows in bathrooms; mould, mildew, call it what you will, names are irrelevant for this kind of thing. Just know that it is the lowest of low, the most ingenious of life forms, confined to only the moistest rooms. This is where all moulds start out on their journey. First the spores land on a moist enough spot and start to grow. They can grow to considerable size depending on the moistness of the spot they have chosen to anchor. Every once in a while a mould, given the right circumstances, can grow to truly gigantic proportions. This in itself is not particularly unusual but once the mould has reached significant size it can take on a level of intelligence like that of a human. This phenomenon happens once every million years and is called a mouldemoistaria.
Conditions were right, the timing was right, the stars were aligned, just about everything was perfect for a mouldemoistaria. In the middle of Bethnal Green, in the house of a young aspiring novelist, a mould started to grow. The bigger the mould grew, the more scared the novelist became. Once the mould was the size of an apple the novelist would not go in the bathroom. You see he was a hypochondriac and feared the spores would make him ill. As he was just an aspiring novelist he didn’t have any money, certainly not to shed out for a mould extractor, or handyman, to deal with it. Luckily his house was close to a public loo and he felt comfortable enough to chill in there. He didn’t open the door to his bathroom till it was too late. The mould had grown, but not only had it grown physically but mentally as well. One day when the novelist was sitting by his typewriter the bathroom door opened; there standing at the doorway was a dark green figure. He didn’t look particularly threatening in fact he looked quite sweet. He was shaped exactly like the novelist. Small, a little tubby round the belly, the same crooked nose and chubby cheeks. The novelist fainted. He didn’t fall and hurt himself because he was sitting in his comfortable writers chair. It had holes in the arms for his coffee and the seat was made of zebra’s liver, which is apparently very soft. The mould roused the novelist but the novelist fainted again when he woke. After three rounds of fainting the novelist finally stayed awake long enough to hear the mould speak. His voice soft and calm like an old peanut, if it could speak, did not do anything helpful for the novelist. As it turned out the mould’s voice was exactly like the novelists. This freaked him out again but instead of fainting he got up and started shouting at the mould, all sorts of nasty things like, ‘get out get out whoever you are’, ‘I can’t even wash my underarms anymore cos of you’, ‘I’ll call the police, but I doubt they’ll do anything, your just a mould’. That last comment stayed with the mould for the rest of his life. He didn’t want to be ‘just a mould’ and he ran out of the house sobbing.
The next three weeks were the worst in his life; he slept on the streets and in people’s greenhouses, sucking the moisture out of bathrooms and cellars. Finally he found his way to a Samaritans home for the homeless and needy. The workers were very kind to him and let him stay if he could keep the mildew from ruining their building. The mould started to life a happier life from then on and the workers grew fond of him, calling him Mr Mould. The longer he stayed at the Samaritans the sicker and weaker the workers were getting. The doctor said all their allergic conditions were worsening, and diagnosed it with simply being around ‘too much mould’. The workers asked Mr Mould to leave, which broke his heart. Mr Mould went back to stealing the moisture from peoples houses and sleeping rough until he was caught by the police for trespassing on the mayor’s property. The police luckily enough didn’t sentence him but sent him straight to us.
We at the Royal Institute for Weirdoes happily took him in and our doctors are researching the phenomenon that caused his birth. They found out that there can only be one ‘intelligent’ mould at any one time and that each time the mouldemoistaria happens one mould dies and another is reborn through his moist material. They identified that the novelists bathroom must have been the moistest place the old ‘intelligent’ mould could find. At present the researchers are trying to find out ways in which Mr Mould can roam about freely and not have adverse affects on others around him. Currently they have him in a bubble, similar to the one for Yogurt Boy and those two have become good friends, often seen bouncing around the playground together.
The novelist has under very poor financial situation tied to sue Mr Mould for being a replica of him but the case is not going very well for him as the public are backing the mould because they feel sorry for him. This novelist has taken full advantage of his situation with his first book coming out called ‘Mould, my story’. We hope Mr Mould a lovely future and maybe one day he can fit into society and not as bathroom pain. That’s all folks see you next time.
Conditions were right, the timing was right, the stars were aligned, just about everything was perfect for a mouldemoistaria. In the middle of Bethnal Green, in the house of a young aspiring novelist, a mould started to grow. The bigger the mould grew, the more scared the novelist became. Once the mould was the size of an apple the novelist would not go in the bathroom. You see he was a hypochondriac and feared the spores would make him ill. As he was just an aspiring novelist he didn’t have any money, certainly not to shed out for a mould extractor, or handyman, to deal with it. Luckily his house was close to a public loo and he felt comfortable enough to chill in there. He didn’t open the door to his bathroom till it was too late. The mould had grown, but not only had it grown physically but mentally as well. One day when the novelist was sitting by his typewriter the bathroom door opened; there standing at the doorway was a dark green figure. He didn’t look particularly threatening in fact he looked quite sweet. He was shaped exactly like the novelist. Small, a little tubby round the belly, the same crooked nose and chubby cheeks. The novelist fainted. He didn’t fall and hurt himself because he was sitting in his comfortable writers chair. It had holes in the arms for his coffee and the seat was made of zebra’s liver, which is apparently very soft. The mould roused the novelist but the novelist fainted again when he woke. After three rounds of fainting the novelist finally stayed awake long enough to hear the mould speak. His voice soft and calm like an old peanut, if it could speak, did not do anything helpful for the novelist. As it turned out the mould’s voice was exactly like the novelists. This freaked him out again but instead of fainting he got up and started shouting at the mould, all sorts of nasty things like, ‘get out get out whoever you are’, ‘I can’t even wash my underarms anymore cos of you’, ‘I’ll call the police, but I doubt they’ll do anything, your just a mould’. That last comment stayed with the mould for the rest of his life. He didn’t want to be ‘just a mould’ and he ran out of the house sobbing.
The next three weeks were the worst in his life; he slept on the streets and in people’s greenhouses, sucking the moisture out of bathrooms and cellars. Finally he found his way to a Samaritans home for the homeless and needy. The workers were very kind to him and let him stay if he could keep the mildew from ruining their building. The mould started to life a happier life from then on and the workers grew fond of him, calling him Mr Mould. The longer he stayed at the Samaritans the sicker and weaker the workers were getting. The doctor said all their allergic conditions were worsening, and diagnosed it with simply being around ‘too much mould’. The workers asked Mr Mould to leave, which broke his heart. Mr Mould went back to stealing the moisture from peoples houses and sleeping rough until he was caught by the police for trespassing on the mayor’s property. The police luckily enough didn’t sentence him but sent him straight to us.
We at the Royal Institute for Weirdoes happily took him in and our doctors are researching the phenomenon that caused his birth. They found out that there can only be one ‘intelligent’ mould at any one time and that each time the mouldemoistaria happens one mould dies and another is reborn through his moist material. They identified that the novelists bathroom must have been the moistest place the old ‘intelligent’ mould could find. At present the researchers are trying to find out ways in which Mr Mould can roam about freely and not have adverse affects on others around him. Currently they have him in a bubble, similar to the one for Yogurt Boy and those two have become good friends, often seen bouncing around the playground together.
The novelist has under very poor financial situation tied to sue Mr Mould for being a replica of him but the case is not going very well for him as the public are backing the mould because they feel sorry for him. This novelist has taken full advantage of his situation with his first book coming out called ‘Mould, my story’. We hope Mr Mould a lovely future and maybe one day he can fit into society and not as bathroom pain. That’s all folks see you next time.
01 September 2011
29 November 2010
Extraordinary lives Part 9 - Shell Kid
Extraordinary Lives part 9: Shell Kid
Welcome back to extraordinary lives. This week we’ll be discussing the future, and the past, of one of our newest residents, Master Randy Wallow or as his mates call him ‘shell kid’. Randy was, until recently, a first class kid. All his friends at his mainstream school really looked up to him for advice, and praised him for his bravery against bullies. Randy, born in 1997, now 13 was on a school trip when he stood up for a ‘nerd’ because his glasses were too thick. The then bully, now young dad, Bootleg Bill swung for the ‘nerd’ who fell back against the rock pools squealing. Randy stepped in to defend the ‘nerd’ and pushed bootleg bill into an anemone. Bootleg Bill rose, now covered in the squalor of the sea, bum rushed Randy into pile of dead bivalves and abandoned shells. As Randy landed he was struck by lightning welding all the shells to his body. Randy ran away screaming. He ran to the teacher who could not believe her eyes and fainted. He then ran to the man in the newsagents who chucked drumsticks at him until he left. After that he ran into a ticket booth where the lady gave him tickets for anything as long as he departed. Lastly he ran into a care worker at the Royal Institute for weirdoes who whisked him up into her arms and brought him into the institute. Once there Randy felt so at home at that moment he questioned whether he had really lived anywhere else or that only hours ago he had been anyone else. His mum came to see him but he did not recognize her and she was so hideously revolted by his irregular body shape and salty smell that she gave in papers for his adoption by the Royal Institute for Weirdoes. Once there Randy was, like all the other weirdoes, subjected to rigorous scientific testing and analysis. The scientists confirmed that with time he could make a full recovery as long as the shells became detached with time. The scientists however did not have any idea of how and when the shells would hopefully fall off. They tried physically removing them with tools and brute strength, but they did not give way. They then tried to dissolve them in strong acid but Randy cried too much because the acid also corroded his skin. They hired top class psychologists to try to persuade the shells to detach themselves but again the shells were stubborn, and also dead so they couldn’t hear the psychologists anyway. Lastly they settled on sanding the shells down to their base so Randy could perform many of the daily tasks he was used to. Randy got on well with the other kids and because his condition was not nearly as severe as many of the others he was the envy of many of the other patients. In a recent interview he told me that he feels he is ready to go back into mainstream school. His parents however feel differently. “We fear for the social safety of Randy because we know how insensitive kids can be. Especially because he will be 2 school years below his age group.” The scientists agree that Randy would be able to cope mentally in a mainstream school but they still think that he needs more physical treatment before he can be ushered into the local comprehensive school. “There are many more treatments that may well have a positive affect on Randy’s life and we need to keep a close eye on him while he undergoes research,” Say the scientists. Randy has said he would be happy to wait a little longer before going back to mainstream school and he said he wouldn’t want to leave his ‘bonkers’ mates just yet. Thanks folks be sure to check out the next issue on the Royal Institute for Weirdoes.
Welcome back to extraordinary lives. This week we’ll be discussing the future, and the past, of one of our newest residents, Master Randy Wallow or as his mates call him ‘shell kid’. Randy was, until recently, a first class kid. All his friends at his mainstream school really looked up to him for advice, and praised him for his bravery against bullies. Randy, born in 1997, now 13 was on a school trip when he stood up for a ‘nerd’ because his glasses were too thick. The then bully, now young dad, Bootleg Bill swung for the ‘nerd’ who fell back against the rock pools squealing. Randy stepped in to defend the ‘nerd’ and pushed bootleg bill into an anemone. Bootleg Bill rose, now covered in the squalor of the sea, bum rushed Randy into pile of dead bivalves and abandoned shells. As Randy landed he was struck by lightning welding all the shells to his body. Randy ran away screaming. He ran to the teacher who could not believe her eyes and fainted. He then ran to the man in the newsagents who chucked drumsticks at him until he left. After that he ran into a ticket booth where the lady gave him tickets for anything as long as he departed. Lastly he ran into a care worker at the Royal Institute for weirdoes who whisked him up into her arms and brought him into the institute. Once there Randy felt so at home at that moment he questioned whether he had really lived anywhere else or that only hours ago he had been anyone else. His mum came to see him but he did not recognize her and she was so hideously revolted by his irregular body shape and salty smell that she gave in papers for his adoption by the Royal Institute for Weirdoes. Once there Randy was, like all the other weirdoes, subjected to rigorous scientific testing and analysis. The scientists confirmed that with time he could make a full recovery as long as the shells became detached with time. The scientists however did not have any idea of how and when the shells would hopefully fall off. They tried physically removing them with tools and brute strength, but they did not give way. They then tried to dissolve them in strong acid but Randy cried too much because the acid also corroded his skin. They hired top class psychologists to try to persuade the shells to detach themselves but again the shells were stubborn, and also dead so they couldn’t hear the psychologists anyway. Lastly they settled on sanding the shells down to their base so Randy could perform many of the daily tasks he was used to. Randy got on well with the other kids and because his condition was not nearly as severe as many of the others he was the envy of many of the other patients. In a recent interview he told me that he feels he is ready to go back into mainstream school. His parents however feel differently. “We fear for the social safety of Randy because we know how insensitive kids can be. Especially because he will be 2 school years below his age group.” The scientists agree that Randy would be able to cope mentally in a mainstream school but they still think that he needs more physical treatment before he can be ushered into the local comprehensive school. “There are many more treatments that may well have a positive affect on Randy’s life and we need to keep a close eye on him while he undergoes research,” Say the scientists. Randy has said he would be happy to wait a little longer before going back to mainstream school and he said he wouldn’t want to leave his ‘bonkers’ mates just yet. Thanks folks be sure to check out the next issue on the Royal Institute for Weirdoes.
25 October 2010
Extraordinary lives Part 8 - Toadthroat
Extraordinary lives part 8: Toadthroat
Welcome back to extraordinary lives. This week we’ll be reporting on a young Nigerian lad called Toadthroat. Toadthroat was discovered in the year two thousand on a small island of the coast of Nigeria living among a vast colony of African bullfrogs. Perhaps the most amazing thing about Toadthroat is he has developed the famous croak of the bullfrog and even more amazing is the fact that his throat skin has loosened up to allow him to produce the distinctive croak. When not croaking Toadthroat looks exactly like another boy but as soon as he croaks, his gular skin inflates into a big bulge allowing for the low vocal croak of the African bullfrog. Niko, as he is known in Nigeria has lived on the bullfrog island since he was a baby. He speaks to the bullfrogs and is clearly considered ‘one of them’ by the amphibian community. Niko has developed other bullfrog mannerisms like crawling around in the ponds and shitting anywhere he wants. Once a year when the rains start Niko and his fellow bullfrogs emerge from their dainty burrows and mate with each other. Many of the females are very attracted to Niko and they often form a queue to have him fertilise (or try). The other males have a problem with this but they can’t stand up to Niko because of his size. After Niko has had his way with the females (basically he stretches them out and tries to forces his semen into their ‘vaginal hole’) the other males fight each other. The males fertilise the females and pretend to Niko when they are born that they are his offspring. This keeps Niko happy and the other males are happy that they have passed on their genes. Sometimes Niko gets really angry, which as suspected by social scientists is because of the lack of his ‘own kind’. The Nigerian government have tried on multiple occasions to extract Niko from his bullfrog colony. He has been successfully extracted and tested upon by various biological science bodies but every time he is placed back into his family of amphibious specie. The UN have publicized a report on the advantages and disadvantages of Niko being moved to the Royal Institute for weirdoes but the Nigerian government have been holding him in his colony of African bullfrogs because they make a fair amount of income from tourists coming to observe him in his natural environment. There is still an ongoing debate between the UN and the Nigerian government but we at the Royal Institute For Weirdoes hope to have Niko join us in our lovely environment as soon as possible. Thanks folks see you next week.
Welcome back to extraordinary lives. This week we’ll be reporting on a young Nigerian lad called Toadthroat. Toadthroat was discovered in the year two thousand on a small island of the coast of Nigeria living among a vast colony of African bullfrogs. Perhaps the most amazing thing about Toadthroat is he has developed the famous croak of the bullfrog and even more amazing is the fact that his throat skin has loosened up to allow him to produce the distinctive croak. When not croaking Toadthroat looks exactly like another boy but as soon as he croaks, his gular skin inflates into a big bulge allowing for the low vocal croak of the African bullfrog. Niko, as he is known in Nigeria has lived on the bullfrog island since he was a baby. He speaks to the bullfrogs and is clearly considered ‘one of them’ by the amphibian community. Niko has developed other bullfrog mannerisms like crawling around in the ponds and shitting anywhere he wants. Once a year when the rains start Niko and his fellow bullfrogs emerge from their dainty burrows and mate with each other. Many of the females are very attracted to Niko and they often form a queue to have him fertilise (or try). The other males have a problem with this but they can’t stand up to Niko because of his size. After Niko has had his way with the females (basically he stretches them out and tries to forces his semen into their ‘vaginal hole’) the other males fight each other. The males fertilise the females and pretend to Niko when they are born that they are his offspring. This keeps Niko happy and the other males are happy that they have passed on their genes. Sometimes Niko gets really angry, which as suspected by social scientists is because of the lack of his ‘own kind’. The Nigerian government have tried on multiple occasions to extract Niko from his bullfrog colony. He has been successfully extracted and tested upon by various biological science bodies but every time he is placed back into his family of amphibious specie. The UN have publicized a report on the advantages and disadvantages of Niko being moved to the Royal Institute for weirdoes but the Nigerian government have been holding him in his colony of African bullfrogs because they make a fair amount of income from tourists coming to observe him in his natural environment. There is still an ongoing debate between the UN and the Nigerian government but we at the Royal Institute For Weirdoes hope to have Niko join us in our lovely environment as soon as possible. Thanks folks see you next week.
22 October 2010
Extraordinary lives Part 7 - The Highly non-viscous man
Extraordinary Lives part 7: The highly non-viscous man
The Highly non-Viscous Man is a very, very exciting natural phenomenon. One day when walking down to the local haddock market Stanley Garbage tripped over a lost tadpole and once floorbound he could no longer get up. Turning round to see why, he took one look and fainted. His torso and most of his limbs had gone highly non-viscous and were trickling all over the pavement. When he came to he plucked up his courage and slipped down the road to go see the doctor.
“I was born again” and “It’s very annoying” is what The Highly non-Viscous Man, as he is publicly known, told one source. “He has lots of trouble with getting up on to higher levels so we had a lift installed at his house to compensate” Says his sister. Stanley Garbage is now being treated at the Royal Institute For Weirdoes and has been seen wondering round with Zachariah "Crill" Scapegoatingson (half man half roast dinner) on various occaisions. Bobby Nobby the president for the Royal Institutes For Weirdoes said “Even with severe conditions these weirdoes still manage to make good friends and try to lead normal lives. It’s very promising”.
Stanley Garbage really likes mint choc chip ice cream and is always seen with one in his hands. He is also an active peace protester and is always first seen in the marches because he is really fast as you can expect. That’s it for now but expect to see a full documentary on Stanley Garbage in the near future.
The Highly non-Viscous Man is a very, very exciting natural phenomenon. One day when walking down to the local haddock market Stanley Garbage tripped over a lost tadpole and once floorbound he could no longer get up. Turning round to see why, he took one look and fainted. His torso and most of his limbs had gone highly non-viscous and were trickling all over the pavement. When he came to he plucked up his courage and slipped down the road to go see the doctor.
“I was born again” and “It’s very annoying” is what The Highly non-Viscous Man, as he is publicly known, told one source. “He has lots of trouble with getting up on to higher levels so we had a lift installed at his house to compensate” Says his sister. Stanley Garbage is now being treated at the Royal Institute For Weirdoes and has been seen wondering round with Zachariah "Crill" Scapegoatingson (half man half roast dinner) on various occaisions. Bobby Nobby the president for the Royal Institutes For Weirdoes said “Even with severe conditions these weirdoes still manage to make good friends and try to lead normal lives. It’s very promising”.
Stanley Garbage really likes mint choc chip ice cream and is always seen with one in his hands. He is also an active peace protester and is always first seen in the marches because he is really fast as you can expect. That’s it for now but expect to see a full documentary on Stanley Garbage in the near future.
01 August 2010
Extraordinary lives Part 6 - Yogurt boy
Roger Ganet, 12 is one of the most extraordinary cases at the royal institute for weirdoes. At 10 Roger opened an angry pot of yogurt and from then on he has been forever changed. An angry yogurt is one of the many weird and essentially destructive scientific creations that man has created. Once opened the angry yogurt will attach itself onto the face of the governing individual and slowly take over the users body. A very painful and annoying process, but the most unusual thing about the angry yogurt is it lets its user carry on their daily life with only minor lifestyle changes. Perhaps the worst (as Roger Ganet would say) is the familiar smell of yogurt known to many of us. Roger Ganet said in an interview “If you smell like any form of dairy your bound to get bullied in some way.” There are other things about the condition that are a problem. As you walk around nodules of the creamy substance fall off onto the floor. This means that Roger Ganet and the four other people worldwide can’t attend mainstream school and they are forced to constantly clean up behind them. Other changes to Roger’s lifestyle include having to sleep in the bath, being unable to do fiddly tasks because of the creamy yogurt around his hands and always having wet clothes and being generally wet. ‘Sometimes I don’t even wear clothes. It’s not like anyone can see anything anyway.’ Said Roger in a recent interview with the daily gazette. One of the good things about it is always being cool and even in the sun it evaporates but is replaced by fresh cool yogurt very rapidly. Doctors are working on various treatments for Roger, one of which tries to evaporate the yogurt quicker than Roger can replenish it. This treatment is proving effective but Roger has to constantly be in a bubble and because of the heat used to evaporate the yogurt it gets very hot and stuffy inside and Roger is always ready for new treatments to replace the bubble. ‘It’s replaced one annoyance with another’ said Roger. With the introduction of new gene technology scientists are now close to unraveling the genetic code for Roger and they are now making progress on why the condition arises. That’s it on Roger and we wish him all the best in the future.
03 February 2009
Extraordinary Lives Part 5 - Half Roast Dinner, Half Man
"When I was 7 I started developing small plates on my back. Then cutlery, glasses and even food grew. By the time I was 13, my transformation was complete."
Zachariah "Crill" Scapegoatingson currently lives in a specially made facility that enables him to live some sort of a normal life. "Before, when I lived in the 'real world', people would just come up to me and try and stuff off of my back/table. When they tried to do this it really hurt me becuase the things they tried to pull were attached to my body."
However, in 2006 Dr. Gary Lambastion became aware of Zachariah's condition and decided to try and help. "I have been developing a special ointment which aims to reduce the build up of gravy on Zachariah's back. So far the result have been quite promising, but we are still quite far off of a full recovery.
31 January 2009
Extraordinary Lives Part 4 - The Weirdest Kid in Plymouth
Bartholemew looks just like any other child. But in fact he is most probably the weirdest kid to ever step foot in the town of Plymouth.His pastimes include: Snooker (not pool), de-railing trains, beatboxing, manslaughter, degeneracy, lobster heckling...and many others.
"I just think I'm just like all the other kids" Bartholemew says. Shortly after saying this he attempts to ask a cheese grater for its hand in marriage. Sadly, it declines.
28 January 2009
Extraordinary Lives Part 3 - The Couple with See-through Bellies
Meet Terry and Nosferatu Smith. They are like any other married couple, apart from one thing, they have see-through bellies.Terry was born in Utrecht, Holland. Where as Nosferatu was born in Guatemala, and then moved to the UK, aged 9. The two of them are the only people in the world to have the rare condition, known as tumtumtransporlaria. In 2002, they met over the internet, after hearing about eachother.
"I was so glad to meet Nosferatu," Terry tells me. "I thought I was alone on this planet. The kids at school used to be bully me saying things like "oi I can see your toast!" or they sometimes used to feed me furbies, so that they could see them in my stomach...it was horrible."
26 January 2009
Extraordinary Lives Part 2 - The World's Youngest Necrophiliac
This is Herman, the world's youngest necrophiliac (corpse bummer). "You wouldn't think he was a necrophiliac (do-er of the deceased)." His teacher explains to me- "at school he's a really nice kid, never gets in to any trouble."Necrophiliacs (rigger mortis fags) usually hang around in graveyards at night, sometimes alone, sometimes with other necrophiliacs (Lovers of the decomposed). They will dig up at corpse, and "go at it".
The necrophilliac motto is - "R.I.M.P." or "Rest in....my pants!"
24 January 2009
Extraordinary Lives Part 1 - The World's Smallest Boy
This is Donald Banoffi, aged 13. Also known as, the world's smallest boy. He lives in Durham with his mum and dad, and his sister Dorris, aged 4, who is taller than him.
Donald was recently measured at a tiny 2 inches tall. Which is as about at big as a small carrot. Donald is like any other normal child, but he is unable to do many of the things that normal children do.
"I'm really in to Monopoly" Donald explains. "I can't play though, I can't move the pieces."
Donalds explains to me about how he wants to become the World Monopoly Champion. However, at the rate he is growing, he won't even be able to rape a granny, never mind play monopoly.
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