QЏΞȘŤ?ΩИȘ И ŤHΛŤ

Extraordinary lives part 10 - Mr Mould

2011-12-18T17:18:00.001Z

Mr Mould is one of the more dull cases at the Royal Institute for Weirdoes. He does not have any outstanding features that would make for an interesting report. In fact he is just mould, not even an exotic type found in the jungles of Borneo. The same boring old type that grows in bathrooms; mould, mildew, call it what you will, names are irrelevant for this kind of thing. Just know that it is the lowest of low, the most ingenious of life forms, confined to only the moistest rooms. This is where all moulds start out on their journey. First the spores land on a moist enough spot and start to grow. They can grow to considerable size depending on the moistness of the spot they have chosen to anchor. Every once in a while a mould, given the right circumstances, can grow to truly gigantic proportions. This in itself is not particularly unusual but once the mould has reached significant size it can take on a level of intelligence like that of a human. This phenomenon happens once every million years and is called a mouldemoistaria.

Conditions were right, the timing was right, the stars were aligned, just about everything was perfect for a mouldemoistaria. In the middle of Bethnal Green, in the house of a young aspiring novelist, a mould started to grow. The bigger the mould grew, the more scared the novelist became. Once the mould was the size of an apple the novelist would not go in the bathroom. You see he was a hypochondriac and feared the spores would make him ill. As he was just an aspiring novelist he didn’t have any money, certainly not to shed out for a mould extractor, or handyman, to deal with it. Luckily his house was close to a public loo and he felt comfortable enough to chill in there. He didn’t open the door to his bathroom till it was too late. The mould had grown, but not only had it grown physically but mentally as well. One day when the novelist was sitting by his typewriter the bathroom door opened; there standing at the doorway was a dark green figure. He didn’t look particularly threatening in fact he looked quite sweet. He was shaped exactly like the novelist. Small, a little tubby round the belly, the same crooked nose and chubby cheeks. The novelist fainted. He didn’t fall and hurt himself because he was sitting in his comfortable writers chair. It had holes in the arms for his coffee and the seat was made of zebra’s liver, which is apparently very soft. The mould roused the novelist but the novelist fainted again when he woke. After three rounds of fainting the novelist finally stayed awake long enough to hear the mould speak. His voice soft and calm like an old peanut, if it could speak, did not do anything helpful for the novelist. As it turned out the mould’s voice was exactly like the novelists. This freaked him out again but instead of fainting he got up and started shouting at the mould, all sorts of nasty things like, ‘get out get out whoever you are’, ‘I can’t even wash my underarms anymore cos of you’, ‘I’ll call the police, but I doubt they’ll do anything, your just a mould’. That last comment stayed with the mould for the rest of his life. He didn’t want to be ‘just a mould’ and he ran out of the house sobbing.

The next three weeks were the worst in his life; he slept on the streets and in people’s greenhouses, sucking the moisture out of bathrooms and cellars. Finally he found his way to a Samaritans home for the homeless and needy. The workers were very kind to him and let him stay if he could keep the mildew from ruining their building. The mould started to life a happier life from then on and the workers grew fond of him, calling him Mr Mould. The longer he stayed at the Samaritans the sicker and weaker the workers were getting. The doctor said all their allergic conditions were worsening, and diagnosed it with simply being around ‘too much mould’. The workers asked Mr Mould to leave, which broke his heart. Mr Mould went back to stealing the moisture from peoples houses and sleeping rough until he was caught by the police for trespassing on the mayor’s property. The police luckily enough didn’t sentence him but sent him straight to us.

We at the Royal Institute for Weirdoes happily took him in and our doctors are researching the phenomenon that caused his birth. They found out that there can only be one ‘intelligent’ mould at any one time and that each time the mouldemoistaria happens one mould dies and another is reborn through his moist material. They identified that the novelists bathroom must have been the moistest place the old ‘intelligent’ mould could find. At present the researchers are trying to find out ways in which Mr Mould can roam about freely and not have adverse affects on others around him. Currently they have him in a bubble, similar to the one for Yogurt Boy and those two have become good friends, often seen bouncing around the playground together.

The novelist has under very poor financial situation tied to sue Mr Mould for being a replica of him but the case is not going very well for him as the public are backing the mould because they feel sorry for him. This novelist has taken full advantage of his situation with his first book coming out called ‘Mould, my story’. We hope Mr Mould a lovely future and maybe one day he can fit into society and not as bathroom pain. That’s all folks see you next time.

Tampons

2011-09-08T14:13:00.001+01:00

http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=tampon&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&hl=en&tab=wi&biw=1155&bih=634

Shell Kid picture

2011-09-01T14:11:00.001+01:00

Toadthroat picture

2011-09-01T14:10:00.000+01:00

Yoghurt Boy picture

2011-09-01T14:09:00.001+01:00

Guide to tits

2011-08-04T21:52:00.000+01:00

( . )( . ) Tits!
( . Y . ) BIG tits
(.) (.) 12yo (oi)
( . ) breast cancer (oi)
. . no fun / bloke - look at it how you will. its all about the face anyway
( o ) ( o ) massif nip nip

Stay in school kids

2011-07-24T18:42:00.000+01:00

Fit?

Tono Tono

2011-05-17T21:19:00.000+01:00

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, tewan, teee, tono, tono, tono...

lol and roflcopter
Here, I have drawn him-

#131 - "Why aks mans things when mans got google?"

2011-05-03T13:22:00.000+01:00

#130 - "How do you like your food?"

2011-04-27T18:02:00.000+01:00

#129 - "Where do death eaters go when they need food/where do they go for their weekly shop?"

2011-04-09T18:56:00.003+01:00

Memoirs of a Boulay

2011-03-27T14:33:00.003+01:00

Snazzy lecture notes

#128 - "Vase or balls?"

2011-03-24T14:31:00.000Z

#127 - "Is aids a lie?"

2011-03-12T21:11:00.004Z

#126 - "Whats your favorite teeth?"

2011-03-09T21:57:00.003Z

#125 - "I eared that you were journalist. Do you know the 5 W..?"

2011-03-07T20:57:00.001Z

Angry message left by friend's house mate

Wilkinson Sword

2011-03-04T11:38:00.002Z

Too many penguins

2011-02-27T19:36:00.000Z

A good cause

2011-02-21T20:09:00.000Z

Please help our dear friend Chicken Bebey reach 1000 likes on FaceBook

Any support is greatly appreciated.

Natural disaster vaccinations

2011-02-17T23:00:00.002Z

ZEITGEIST

2011-02-12T15:58:00.000Z

Royal wedding

2011-02-07T21:57:00.000Z

ICEPOPALYPSE

2011-02-02T15:55:00.000Z

Chairs

2011-01-29T10:53:00.001Z

Da end is nigh

2011-01-24T13:11:00.001Z

666

2011-01-19T19:50:00.000Z

Too much salt

2011-01-14T15:00:00.001Z

Thumb Tax

2011-01-08T15:38:00.001Z

Ant War

2011-01-03T17:32:00.001Z

Colonial Algeria 1871-1954

2010-12-29T15:27:00.000Z

#124 - "Does Barack Obama have a soft spot for the Balkans?"

2010-12-04T22:06:00.001Z

ENGLAND 2018 - COME ON NERDS! RISE UP, KILL YOUR MUM!

2010-12-01T19:08:00.000Z

In light of the recent allegations of sex and naughtiness surrounding the English bid to host the 2018 FIFA World Cup. We thought we could give the bid a boost by creating an unofficial chant for fans around the world to sing.

COME ON NERDS!
RISE UP,
KILL YOUR MUM!

COME ON NERDS!

RISE UP,

KILL YOUR MUM!

COME ON NERDS!

RISE UP,

KILL YOUR MUM!

Extraordinary lives Part 9 - Shell Kid

2010-11-29T18:31:00.001Z

Extraordinary Lives part 9: Shell Kid

Welcome back to extraordinary lives. This week we’ll be discussing the future, and the past, of one of our newest residents, Master Randy Wallow or as his mates call him ‘shell kid’. Randy was, until recently, a first class kid. All his friends at his mainstream school really looked up to him for advice, and praised him for his bravery against bullies. Randy, born in 1997, now 13 was on a school trip when he stood up for a ‘nerd’ because his glasses were too thick. The then bully, now young dad, Bootleg Bill swung for the ‘nerd’ who fell back against the rock pools squealing. Randy stepped in to defend the ‘nerd’ and pushed bootleg bill into an anemone. Bootleg Bill rose, now covered in the squalor of the sea, bum rushed Randy into pile of dead bivalves and abandoned shells. As Randy landed he was struck by lightning welding all the shells to his body. Randy ran away screaming. He ran to the teacher who could not believe her eyes and fainted. He then ran to the man in the newsagents who chucked drumsticks at him until he left. After that he ran into a ticket booth where the lady gave him tickets for anything as long as he departed. Lastly he ran into a care worker at the Royal Institute for weirdoes who whisked him up into her arms and brought him into the institute. Once there Randy felt so at home at that moment he questioned whether he had really lived anywhere else or that only hours ago he had been anyone else. His mum came to see him but he did not recognize her and she was so hideously revolted by his irregular body shape and salty smell that she gave in papers for his adoption by the Royal Institute for Weirdoes. Once there Randy was, like all the other weirdoes, subjected to rigorous scientific testing and analysis. The scientists confirmed that with time he could make a full recovery as long as the shells became detached with time. The scientists however did not have any idea of how and when the shells would hopefully fall off. They tried physically removing them with tools and brute strength, but they did not give way. They then tried to dissolve them in strong acid but Randy cried too much because the acid also corroded his skin. They hired top class psychologists to try to persuade the shells to detach themselves but again the shells were stubborn, and also dead so they couldn’t hear the psychologists anyway. Lastly they settled on sanding the shells down to their base so Randy could perform many of the daily tasks he was used to. Randy got on well with the other kids and because his condition was not nearly as severe as many of the others he was the envy of many of the other patients. In a recent interview he told me that he feels he is ready to go back into mainstream school. His parents however feel differently. “We fear for the social safety of Randy because we know how insensitive kids can be. Especially because he will be 2 school years below his age group.” The scientists agree that Randy would be able to cope mentally in a mainstream school but they still think that he needs more physical treatment before he can be ushered into the local comprehensive school. “There are many more treatments that may well have a positive affect on Randy’s life and we need to keep a close eye on him while he undergoes research,” Say the scientists. Randy has said he would be happy to wait a little longer before going back to mainstream school and he said he wouldn’t want to leave his ‘bonkers’ mates just yet. Thanks folks be sure to check out the next issue on the Royal Institute for Weirdoes.

2010-11-28T13:30:00.000Z

A big thank you to everyone who came down to the gallery last night, and also to all the other artists who contributed their work.

If however you missed it the exhibition is running from Thu 2nd - Sun 5th & Thu 9th - Sun 12th December 11:00 - 5:00 FREE ENRTY

factorybtn.tumblr.com

Homer

2010-11-04T22:46:00.001Z

FACTORY presents DIASTR

2010-11-03T12:18:00.004Z

Sat 27 Nov 2010

8:30pm - 1:30am

Disaster: an event or accident that causes great distress or destruction. A Disaster is also a complete failure.

Diastr: an accidental event that explores creativity on the brink of great distress, impending failure and possible destruction.

Phoenix Brighton’s quarterly Factory event brings yet another eclectic experience, this time in the form of unfolding fun, games, music and uncertainty!

Diastr is both an exhibition and a game created by Tim Cole and Theo Lamarche with a giant interactive home-made rotating board with optional paths and destinations. Along the way players are subjected to world changing disastrous events, triggering live sound effects and apocalyptic encounters.

Every person entering Diastr will have the opportunity to be involved, having their hand stamped with one of four colours representing the four teams playing the game. A live performance of Diastr will evolve throughout the night, featuring 4 players and a games master; each team can have a player for the entire session but team mates can swap and change throughout the evening as the going gets tough and the game unfolds… who knows what will happen!

The excitement will be filmed and a live stream will be projected into the gallery as a backdrop to a hotbed of both experimental and conventional music and performances, which in turn will be projected into the games room. The walls of the Gallery will feature images and sculptures produced by artists in response to the theme of disaster.

Economic gloom, ecological catastrophe … Diastr is the last Phoenix event of the year and of the decade … Game on!

Tickets: £4/3

We are doing some stuff for this.

http://www.phoenixarts.org/events/190-factory-diastr.html

Extraordinary lives Part 8 - Toadthroat

2010-10-25T16:33:00.000+01:00

Extraordinary lives part 8: Toadthroat

Welcome back to extraordinary lives. This week we’ll be reporting on a young Nigerian lad called Toadthroat. Toadthroat was discovered in the year two thousand on a small island of the coast of Nigeria living among a vast colony of African bullfrogs. Perhaps the most amazing thing about Toadthroat is he has developed the famous croak of the bullfrog and even more amazing is the fact that his throat skin has loosened up to allow him to produce the distinctive croak. When not croaking Toadthroat looks exactly like another boy but as soon as he croaks, his gular skin inflates into a big bulge allowing for the low vocal croak of the African bullfrog. Niko, as he is known in Nigeria has lived on the bullfrog island since he was a baby. He speaks to the bullfrogs and is clearly considered ‘one of them’ by the amphibian community. Niko has developed other bullfrog mannerisms like crawling around in the ponds and shitting anywhere he wants. Once a year when the rains start Niko and his fellow bullfrogs emerge from their dainty burrows and mate with each other. Many of the females are very attracted to Niko and they often form a queue to have him fertilise (or try). The other males have a problem with this but they can’t stand up to Niko because of his size. After Niko has had his way with the females (basically he stretches them out and tries to forces his semen into their ‘vaginal hole’) the other males fight each other. The males fertilise the females and pretend to Niko when they are born that they are his offspring. This keeps Niko happy and the other males are happy that they have passed on their genes. Sometimes Niko gets really angry, which as suspected by social scientists is because of the lack of his ‘own kind’. The Nigerian government have tried on multiple occasions to extract Niko from his bullfrog colony. He has been successfully extracted and tested upon by various biological science bodies but every time he is placed back into his family of amphibious specie. The UN have publicized a report on the advantages and disadvantages of Niko being moved to the Royal Institute for weirdoes but the Nigerian government have been holding him in his colony of African bullfrogs because they make a fair amount of income from tourists coming to observe him in his natural environment. There is still an ongoing debate between the UN and the Nigerian government but we at the Royal Institute For Weirdoes hope to have Niko join us in our lovely environment as soon as possible. Thanks folks see you next week.

Extraordinary lives Part 7 - The Highly non-viscous man

2010-10-22T19:15:00.002+01:00

Extraordinary Lives part 7: The highly non-viscous man

The Highly non-Viscous Man is a very, very exciting natural phenomenon. One day when walking down to the local haddock market Stanley Garbage tripped over a lost tadpole and once floorbound he could no longer get up. Turning round to see why, he took one look and fainted. His torso and most of his limbs had gone highly non-viscous and were trickling all over the pavement. When he came to he plucked up his courage and slipped down the road to go see the doctor.

“I was born again” and “It’s very annoying” is what The Highly non-Viscous Man, as he is publicly known, told one source. “He has lots of trouble with getting up on to higher levels so we had a lift installed at his house to compensate” Says his sister. Stanley Garbage is now being treated at the Royal Institute For Weirdoes and has been seen wondering round with Zachariah "Crill" Scapegoatingson (half man half roast dinner) on various occaisions. Bobby Nobby the president for the Royal Institutes For Weirdoes said “Even with severe conditions these weirdoes still manage to make good friends and try to lead normal lives. It’s very promising”.

Stanley Garbage really likes mint choc chip ice cream and is always seen with one in his hands. He is also an active peace protester and is always first seen in the marches because he is really fast as you can expect. That’s it for now but expect to see a full documentary on Stanley Garbage in the near future.

Andrew

2010-10-20T08:36:00.002+01:00

#123 - "If mulled wine is so good then why don't people drink it all year?"

2010-10-19T20:10:00.008+01:00

Thanks to Esther Robinson for this she is swell.

This is England

2010-10-14T11:36:00.000+01:00

#122 - "When girls laugh do they sound like the mum out of pingu?"

2010-10-13T13:07:00.002+01:00

#121 - "Who's the hardest in your year?"

2010-10-12T23:11:00.002+01:00

Alan the logical man

2010-10-12T23:09:00.000+01:00

Crows’ Court

2010-09-22T15:20:00.004+01:00

Have you ever heard of Crows’ Court? No? Well, when a crow commits a crow crime, such as stealing eggs from a neighbouring nest, that crow is placed on trial in the Crow’s Court. The set-up of the Crow’s Court is as follows: the offending crow perches in the centre of a semi-circle of crows, the crow jury. One crow is elected as chief judge (it is not clear whether a wig is worn). Then there are four or more sentry crows, who sit in the surrounding trees looking out for humans, and possibly other types of animal. Depending on the verdict, the murder of crows (a group of crows is known as a murder: (http://www.heinemannlibrary.com/product/1403407428) either fly away in unison, or the crows on the ends of the semi-circle fly in and poke the bird to death, using their lethal beaks. If a crow is killed, the crows fly away from the court in a specific formation so other crows know not to eat the dead crow.

Anilogical Man

2010-09-17T14:58:00.000+01:00

Christy I have no idea what any of this means. See me after class.

LIVEPOOL

2010-09-13T20:40:00.003+01:00

DANGEROUS GROUPS

2010-09-08T14:38:00.001+01:00

SCROT

2010-09-04T19:32:00.002+01:00

MILLWALL

2010-08-30T16:24:00.002+01:00

Art Attack: Secret Stuff

2010-08-24T13:00:00.000+01:00

Was up in the attic the other day and found this absolute gem.

Haha, Neil you fucking donut.

I do worry about you Neil.

#120 - "What would you do if you saw a blind man eating a Twix?"

2010-08-15T15:01:00.000+01:00

Gay Porn

2010-08-11T19:37:00.000+01:00

The Quest - Part 1: Stop what you are doing! This is a quest

2010-08-06T18:22:00.000+01:00

Extraordinary lives Part 6 - Yogurt boy

2010-08-01T17:34:00.002+01:00

Roger Ganet, 12 is one of the most extraordinary cases at the royal institute for weirdoes. At 10 Roger opened an angry pot of yogurt and from then on he has been forever changed. An angry yogurt is one of the many weird and essentially destructive scientific creations that man has created. Once opened the angry yogurt will attach itself onto the face of the governing individual and slowly take over the users body. A very painful and annoying process, but the most unusual thing about the angry yogurt is it lets its user carry on their daily life with only minor lifestyle changes. Perhaps the worst (as Roger Ganet would say) is the familiar smell of yogurt known to many of us. Roger Ganet said in an interview “If you smell like any form of dairy your bound to get bullied in some way.” There are other things about the condition that are a problem. As you walk around nodules of the creamy substance fall off onto the floor. This means that Roger Ganet and the four other people worldwide can’t attend mainstream school and they are forced to constantly clean up behind them. Other changes to Roger’s lifestyle include having to sleep in the bath, being unable to do fiddly tasks because of the creamy yogurt around his hands and always having wet clothes and being generally wet. ‘Sometimes I don’t even wear clothes. It’s not like anyone can see anything anyway.’ Said Roger in a recent interview with the daily gazette. One of the good things about it is always being cool and even in the sun it evaporates but is replaced by fresh cool yogurt very rapidly. Doctors are working on various treatments for Roger, one of which tries to evaporate the yogurt quicker than Roger can replenish it. This treatment is proving effective but Roger has to constantly be in a bubble and because of the heat used to evaporate the yogurt it gets very hot and stuffy inside and Roger is always ready for new treatments to replace the bubble. ‘It’s replaced one annoyance with another’ said Roger. With the introduction of new gene technology scientists are now close to unraveling the genetic code for Roger and they are now making progress on why the condition arises. That’s it on Roger and we wish him all the best in the future.

We went away for a bit

2010-07-27T18:02:00.000+01:00

#119 - "¿Galapagos?"

2010-06-02T18:28:00.000+01:00

#118 - "Have you seen that T.V. programme - Je m'appelle Earl?"

2010-05-28T13:59:00.001+01:00

#117 "H20?"

2010-05-20T20:40:00.001+01:00

#116 "Who would win in a fight. Hitler or Ghandi?"

2010-05-10T20:56:00.003+01:00

The Simpsins

2010-04-25T16:35:00.004+01:00

Big up Killa and Goblin for contributions.

#115 - "Would you rather, casually walk past a baby and do a fart, or casually walk past a Monopoly board and do a fart?"

2010-04-20T12:49:00.002+01:00

#114 - "Do you believe in skeletons?"

2010-04-05T16:08:00.000+01:00

#113 - "Err.....¿Pillos willos?"

2010-04-01T11:52:00.001+01:00

#112 - "I just love Facebook so much don't you?"

2010-03-23T11:41:00.000Z

#111 - "Is the ear wax of a dirty troll acidic?"

2010-03-18T10:46:00.000Z

#110 - "If you saw a ring wraith in a pub what would you do?"

2010-03-14T17:08:00.000Z

#109 - "What do you think about spiders in the workplace?"

2010-03-09T14:25:00.000Z

#108 - "Did Tarka the otter drink apple juice?"

2010-03-04T10:29:00.000Z

#107 - "What's the best thing to ask a pregnant lady?"

2010-02-27T19:09:00.003Z

#106 - "Can you be scared of equilateral triangles?"

2010-02-12T17:39:00.003Z

Photography of 2 things next to each other

2010-01-16T17:45:00.008Z

Reminds me of the time I divorced my second wife.

#105 - "Who would you rather shag, Beyonce or a prawn cracker?" / "Ed, would you shag Beyonce if she had shit all over her?"

2010-01-12T19:44:00.002Z

Clin

2009-11-28T20:09:00.001Z

#104 - "Who's better at FIFA 2003 Charmander or Bulbasaur?"

2009-11-24T18:22:00.000Z

#103 - "Have you ever played the Ross Kemp drinking game?"

2009-11-09T01:33:00.002Z

Trespassers will be given cake

2009-10-26T16:21:00.000Z

No womanizing near fountains

2009-10-22T16:19:00.001+01:00

No weeing

2009-10-18T12:18:00.000+01:00

No thinking out loud

2009-10-14T16:17:00.000+01:00

No mucking about with the pidgeons

2009-10-10T20:14:00.001+01:00

No loitering

2009-10-06T16:53:00.001+01:00

No eating fromage frais in alleyways please

2009-10-02T16:11:00.000+01:00

No digestion

2009-09-29T21:39:00.001+01:00

No arms longer than your body

2009-09-25T16:07:00.000+01:00

Never look east

2009-09-21T16:04:00.000+01:00

Do not look directly into the powerball

2009-09-17T16:00:00.003+01:00

Do not make idle chit-chat with the buzzard

2009-09-13T17:59:00.001+01:00

Keep off the grass

2009-09-09T14:56:00.000+01:00

#100 - "Where's Wally?"

2009-09-07T22:15:00.003+01:00

No Dogs Allowed (Unless Accompanied by a Sausage)

2009-09-05T13:47:00.000+01:00

Rules n that

2009-09-04T15:44:00.002+01:00

Gonna put up all the "Rules n that" stuff that we did for the open house thingymajig a while back. Also, When you sleep, you grow by about 8mm (0.3in). The next day you shrink back to your former height. The reason is that your cartilage discs are squeezed like sponges by the force of gravity when you stand or sit.

#102 - "If I gave you a grand would you get jiggy with a seven year old?"

2009-09-02T18:36:00.000+01:00

#101 - "What's better Christmas or first aid?"

2009-08-30T14:16:00.001+01:00

This one looks a bit blurry from here. Click on it and it is better (zoom in as well).

§:->

2009-08-29T14:17:00.001+01:00

#100 coming soon

#99 - "If you drown a porpoise in coffee does it taste better?"

2009-08-24T18:07:00.000+01:00

#98 - "Does Chris Tarrant eat money?

2009-08-21T21:12:00.002+01:00

#97 - "What's the percentage of finding love on the heath?"

2009-08-18T13:54:00.000+01:00

Countdown - Get lost in the alphabet

2009-08-15T14:22:00.002+01:00

#96 - "Dr. Pepper - What's the worst that could happen?"

2009-08-12T16:16:00.002+01:00